Stuckness

Stuckness..yeah..what does that mean? It means I've come to a crossroads and don't know what direction to take.. It makes me feel sad really.  I believe in moving forward.. But I know sometimes we have to spend some time where we are in order to get things in order..Some times, we need to spend time where we are because we are moving to fast.  I don't think I am moving to fast.  I've stopped moving all together. I don't know why. So, I've had to ask the same questions over and over.  "What is my next move?".  "Where do I go from here?" Why am I here right this minute?  There is something that I am missing.  I have yet to figure out what it is. Sometimes I am in a fog. My thoughts are confused and not clear.  This is a place where my life is in flux. I know that there are people in my life who have no direction, no order, no goals.  These people cannot move on on their own.  I don't know what to do with them.  Do I abandon them? They've abandoned themselves. Do I stop caring? I don't know what to do.  So I pray.

 Lord, Father God.  Right now, right here, I am laying my life before you for review.  I am stuck in a place and don't know what direction you want me to go.  I have not paid the proper notice to what your direction is for my life.  I have pushed away or ignored any clues you have provided for me and so now I find myself right here right now, with no clue as to what to do with the things in my life the do not nourish me any longer and STUCK!!! Please Father, show me to the right way to go to un-stick my life and move beyond this place where I am at. Thank you. Amen

I pray.  Because that is all I can do. Pray.. because it makes me feel like I am doing something. Pray..because when I pray, I have some peace.  Pray..because sometimes that is the only answer and right now for me it is the only answer.  I want to hurt people, I know when I start to feel like this, I do things that are not a glory to GOD.  So I pray.  

Sometimes I just laugh

at myself..

I was SUPPOSE to be starting my exercise program this weekend.  April 1, 2012 as a matter of fact.. got all the ducks in a row, bought all the necessary food items, juiced some veggies and low and behold..I am such a dipshit sometimes..WTH happened.. Didn't go near the gym.  I called.. sure did. To find out if they were opened yet.. answer..yes..but, I just don't know what happened..

The fact is I've made this journey before.  I know how hard it is to get started, but I also know the benefits once you do.. I just can't figure out what it is that's going to get me into the gym.. I've already done the shame thing.. don't work.. I looked closely at my fat thighs.. didn't work, I've tried the shopping thing, that didn't work.. I am at a lost right now.  I can't figure out how to get my big fat ass in the gym..

Well lets just say, I know what I need to do.. I just don't have the proper motivation to do it.
WHY? Why? That's that question..

Why am I going? Is it for health reasons?  Is it to look good? It it vanity?  I know it should be for health reasons.. I mean who doesn't want to be healthy right?  And who doesn't want to look good?  Vanity, who do I have to be vain for?  I've lost something in me that's makes a woman wanna look good, or a man for that matter.  I just don't feel like looking good for anyone, not even myself.

I have this idea in my head that every time I start to look good, I get hurt.. That's not a good association to have, because it really makes me NOT want to look good at all for anyone. I don't want to attract attention to myself.  I always go through this when I am trying to get rid of someone.. I ugly-fie myself as much as I can, personality, body, hair, everything.  Because I just don't want the attention.

Seems I have a hard time turning down attention, even if it is the wrong kind.  That's what got me were I am right now. Trying to get rid of unwanted attention.  But he won't go away.  So now I am trying to get myself in a place were I can take care of myself, without caring what the other person thinks about me.. Because I really want them to go away.  And the thing is I already know that they are going to go away.. They never wanted me in the first place.  And they just used me for whatever I would let them get.  I put my head in the sand.. I didn't take care of me.

I'm not mad at them because of it.  But I am mad because they are still in my way.  I am mad about that... Mad that they won't take care of themselves so that I can take care of me.  Sometimes I hate when I figure shit out while I'm writing.. But I just did.. I just figured it out.  And I think I have found my motivation.  It's not about looking good, not for me, It is about making him pay.. It is about looking so damn good that he will want me but know that he'll never have me again.  It is about filling his ass with desire that he will never be able to fill using me again.    Asshole.  I got your dumb ass now.  Now to get started with my plan..I AM NOT A BITCH, I JUST PLAY ONE IN YOUR LIFE..happy to be an asshole now?  LOL...SMDH

probably the last post of 2011 IDK

SOooooooooooooooooooooo, this will probably be the last post of 2011.  I don't know yet.  Buuuuuuuuuuuuttttttttttt, probably.  Just wanted to recap all the things I said I was going to do this year that I did do and the things that I didn't do.  Hmm yeah,the things I didn't do.. Well maybe we might want to start with those first.  So lets just recap the list of things I was suppose to do.  Now see this is where the blogging/journaling comes in handy, keeps you honest.  Cause you can look back and see EVERYTHING that you didn't do that you said you were gonna do that you didn't do..

Here is my beach bucket list for 2011........................................
posted Jan 11, 2011:

1.  Go out to eat at a nice restaurant once a month. by nice I mean dressing up
2.  Clear all the junk/clutter from my house.  ( this will lead to clearing the junk/clutter from my mind as well)
3.  Go somewhere on vacation, not just in the house from one room to the next.
4.  Stop taking on everybody else's stuff.  ( I really do have enough of my own stuff)
5.  Call my Mother at least once a week.  ( I have really been lacking on this one, smdh)
6.  Reach out to my little sister and brother from another mother, (it's not their fault I don't like their daddy very much)
7.  Call my baby big brother at least once a month.  (hmm, I probably could call more, but he talks way to much for my taste and plus he's always trying to get me to buy something ;~)
8.  Go to see at least 2 movies this year on opening day....yeah right, I think I might be to cheap for that one
9.  Lose 10 pounds.  I've been saying this for a while now, It's time to start doing and not just talking about it
10. This is a big one for me.....QUIT SMOKING..oh gosh.. just saying it makes me nervous..but I got to do this one for me.

1. The restaurant thing was a stretch from the beginning, cause, I have people who live in the house with me that I recently refused to support any further.  So I kinda knew that I wouldn't be able to do that one.  Thought I'd put it on the lis thought well beause it was worth a try.
2. See answer #1.  Same thing.  I have interlopers in my house. ANDDDDDDD well, makes it kinda difficult to do what I wanna do in my own damn house. But I am getting there.  I've made some changes and cleared a lot of stuff out of my house. Now to work on the interlopers.
3. Going somewhere vacation.....hate to use the same excuse as 1 and 2, but well, I really have no choice. Looks like my life is on hold until I get rid of some unwanted weight.
4. Taking on everybody else's stuff.  Still taking on everybody else's stuff, but getting better at saying nooooo. But until I have certain people out of my house, I will have to indulge some people.
5. I've been getting a whole lot better at calling my mother.  I call at least twice a month now. wereas I was calling like every 2 or 3 months.  Shame
6. Started the conversation with my little sister and even went to visit my father.  That was interesting.  Really was.  He's sick. nothing back from lil sis tho. still waiting
7. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA  nevermind
8. movies.. no comment
9. weight.. as soon as I get certain people out of my house, I'll lose like 300 lbs.  no really
10. I did quit, that was major for me.  It's been like 4 months now. And I am happy bout that.
Sooo, see 1 step at a time. At this rate, it'll take me til I die to get it all done.  But progress happens in increments.

I feel cheated

My ex-husband got married I think this weekend.. I don't know how I feel about this.  Did he marry willingly? Did she have to force him?  Is this something that he wanted to do?  I feel cheated.  Did he marry me because I was pregnant? Because I told him if we didn't get married, I was going to move out and he would probably never see his kid, Why did he marry me.  Why was it so easy to cheat on me?

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?

I have asked myself this question many times.  Every-time a relationship ends for me I always wonder this.

I remember when I was younger and dating the one guy, I thought we were on the path to marriage, when he suddenly announced to me that he had gotten married.  I was devastated.  I cried for 3 days in front of a huge picture window in my apartment while I drank Gin right from the bottle.  I was useless for a week afterwards.

Then there was guy that I lived with, who worked nights.  I remember coming home form work early one day to find him coming out of the lady's house down the street.  Apparently he had been fucking the mother and the daughter while I was working hard all day. He'd fuck the daughter while the mother and I were at work, then he'd fuck the mother at his job while I was at home.  So the daughter and I both felt cheated on with the mother.  What a crock.

Then there was the guy I dated after my husband and I divorced, who married not one but two women while we were dating.  I forgave him for the first one, but the second time I had to walk away.
Then there was the guy who told me he had broken up with his crazy ass girlfriend who he really didn't care about but was financially bond to, who came over to see me and spend a lot of time with me even make plans with me only to just disappear one day off the face of the earth.  Only for me to find out that he had gotten married to his crazy ass girlfriend that he was financially bond to.

Man.. the guy that I am dating(well not really) now tells me that I made more of the relationship than it was.  That I forced him to move in with me and that he always thought this was how I roll.Just picking up random guys, taking them home and spending all my time and money on them so they can do what exactly? HELL IF I KNOW...  OK.. catch my breath.. Just breathe.

I have a fundamental dis-trust of relationships now, and I don't trust my own judgement when it comes to picking people.  I don't believe anyone really loves or even cares about me..And I wonder why it is so damn easy for people to use me and throw me away like yesterdays trash?

So, I will not be so ready to get involved with anyone. I know I will not trust anyone for a long time.  I just don't think I will do this again.  At 54, my prospects for companionship are not that high anyway, so I will probably not date anymore.  I'm thinking I will probably become one of those old ladies who go to bingo and church all the time.  I'll probably have 10 cats and a fussy dog..I'll eat alone and spend all my time playing stupid games on facebook.

This is not the vision I had for my life all those years ago..But then I don't really recall what vision I had.

A guy once told me that I don't ask anything of anyone..That's why I get nothing in return.  I guess my thoughts on it are different than others, because I've always believed that if someone wants to help you they will, you don't have to ask, they will ask you.  If someone really wants you, they will show you they do.  If a man wants to marry you, he will ask you and you don't have to make threats.  If you are meant to be together nothing will keep you apart.

No one came for me, no one is looking for me, no one is showing me they want me or that they even care about me.  So, let that be my lesson in life.  I accept this and will not whine about it.  I will accept this as the life that I was given, the hand I was dealt and live it just as it is.. ALONE with 10 cats and a fussy dog

T aka L

An open letter to my almost Step-son

Well, I came home one day and he was just here.  Then I came home one day and he was just gone..WTH???!!! I don't know if I am sad or not.  I was just beginning to know the young man.  The person that he is.  Seemed like a nice young man.  Like his momma raised him right for the most part.  I mean he was a little lazy as most teens are.  He wasn't motivated for much except maybe altering his state of conscientiousness. But still I liked him a lot.  He was funny and very caring.  Just the opposite of his father.  I kinda felt a little sorry for him, because it seemed like he was searching for something.  I don't think he knew just what.  But it felt like that to me.  Like when I tried to get to know my dad.  It's a sad thing when a kid grows up only  knowing one parent.  Then they find out that the other parent isn't exactly what you expected them to be, or what EVERYBODY told you they where.  Maybe they disappoint on some level.

Well anyway, he was a great kid.  I called him "your tallness", cause he was really tall.  Told him tall was like royalty, cause most people are really short.  So that made him special already.  Yeah he was really tall, and he could dance.  The way he danced made me blush and I'm grown.  Geez, I think he was just really horny, being only 18 and all. 18 year old boys don't think about much at all other than sex and well sex.  I think that's about it.  Sex and food.  Yeah that's it.  I watched him literally inhale a pizza.  I just thought the boy didn't eat much.  No, he just didn't eat much home cooked food.  Pizza and Jack in the box were his staples.   And my youngest daughter's ice cream.  Yeah, we knew you ate it "B".  You wasn't fooling anyone.  Hahahha.

I just wanna apologize that your stay wasn't better.  I did the best I could for you.  But you weren't my responsibility.  I work everyday to take care of mines.  Mines are grown.  Perhaps if I had been given a choice and properly introduced I would have had a different outlook about the whole situation.  But some people refuse to grow up and do what is RIGHT in front of their face.  Spike Lee said it best.  "DO THE RIGHT THING"  That always works out best for everyone involved.  There are no illusions or deceptions.  Everyone knows the rules going in.  This gives everyone involved the opportunity to bring their best game if they want to.  But when you use deception, no one knows what the hell is going on and everybody involved is just trying to hang on to the program, but only the deceiver knows what the program really is.

So, again I apologize to you "your tallness".  I think you did the right thing going back.  I'm sure your mother missed you, no matter what you thought at the time.  We always miss our babies. I hope you learned SOMETHING  positive while you were here. I wish you great success in your life and I hope one day you and your dad will give it another try.  Maybe in the next life when you are both butterflies.  Keep that positive outlook and the ability to care about what others feel.  Don't let what happened here color your outlook about how REAL grown people handle business, cause real grown people never have to tell anyone they are grown.  You can watch how they handle they business and KNOW they are grown.

Vision for the Rest of my Life

I recently began reading again, something that was/is one of my favorite things to do.  I taught my children to read early, that's how much I love books.

But in recent years it had kinda gotten away from me.  Much to my own dismay, I lost a lot of myself when that happened.  But recently one of my favorite writers was on a public broadcast station and I caught the show and it made me wanna get the book he was pushing for a donation.  So I bought it.  After reading just 10 pages, I realized that I had lost my true self in a haze of something, I'm not quite sure what just yet or maybe I just don't wanna say, but lost just the same.  So after reading for just 10 pages, I wanted to write some stuff down before I forget it.  I published a beach bucket list not to long ago. Well this will be my life bucket list.

The VISION FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I know this may seem dramatic, but it's not really.  Most people don't really know what they want for themselves. They just kinda go through life just doing whatever happens to be in their path, not happy or sad, just doing.  If you are a parent, you know what I mean.  While raising your kids your own life sort of takes a back burner approach.  After the kids are grown you never really get back on track to your own life.  Thus the reason many people go through that mid-life crisis.  Because it's like all of a sudden you wake up and realize, you don't have that much time/life left, so you try to cram it all in at once.  Well, I'm still young enough to enjoy stuff, you know like rolling down a hill and laughing at stupid stuff just because I thought it was funny.  You know kid stuff, even though I know I am not a kid.  So here is my vision for the rest of my life

1.  I will not do any thing that does not bring me some sort of joy.  Note I did not say pleasure.  Joy and pleasure are two different things.  You can get joy from fresh washed clothes, or volunteering your time to a cause.  You may not get much pleasure from doing the actual task though. The joy comes from the accomplishment of the task.

2. I will not attempt to please anyone but myself and GOD.  If it is pleasing to GOD, then it is pleasing to me, nothing else need be said about this one

3. I will rid myself of all negative people and things in my life/circle/space.  Negativity drains the creative energy that flows throughout the universe.  If you have negative people and things around you, then you cannot access the positive things because the negative is taking up all of your available space we are allotted.  You got to make room.

4. Let go and Let GOD.  I know this sounds like a cliche, but really, if you don't let GOD carry the heavy burdens for you, you just weight yourself down with all these heavy burdens and you feel stuck.  You can't move forward.  GOD's STRENGTH  is far greater than mine, so I think I will let GOD do what he has asked me to do and let him handle the heavy lifting for me.

5. Focus on the good stuff and let the other fall by the waste-side.  It is amazing how when we no longer give the negative any validity, it just kinda sulks away.

6. Rid myself and my surroundings of clutter.  I have an amazing amount of clutter in my world.  Sometimes I wonder what all this stuff is.  But I know for a fact that most of it is just a symptom of a greater issue.  I cover myself with clutter to shield myself from harm.  If a person can get pass my clutter they have a chance in hell of reaching through to me.  But recently that logic was disproved, cause there are some just plain nasty mother fucker's around me right now that I know DO NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT REACHING THROUGH TO ME.  They only care about their own survival.  THAT'S IT. so clutter be gone.  Haha. we'll see what happens after that.

7. Give up a smoking habit.  I know this is on my beach bucket list, but it deserves to be repeated and repeated often until I quit.

8. Make a plan for my house. I keep making list.  I am so good at making list.

9. Make a list and then implement it..EXECUTION IS THE KEY.. I can make all the list I want to.  If I am not going to do any of it  WHAT THE HELL IS THE DAMN POINT???

10. renew my spiritual growth.  I need to find a new church home.  I want to find a center, not necessarily a church, but a learning center where I can learn about true faith and belief.  Not just religion.  Where they walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

Ok, that's it for right now.  I am on a journey, life is a journey.  I have so many things I want to do.  I think I will begin with turning off this damn tv. and then hmm,maybe my computer.  Now that will be hard, but I think I will take a break from all the games and other distractions that go on in my world.  And focus on me.

Beach bucket list

I am stealing this from someone else's blog, but I loved the idea so much that I felt compelled to do it myself. The Beach bucket list is kinda like the bucket list, only it's not for the dying.  It's for the living.  You create a list of all the things you wanna do in that year.  Kinda like New Years resolutions, only not so controlling.  It's really like "I can do it or not, no big deal". Right? No cause for guilt, no reason for blaming, or feelings of shame because all of it didn't get done.  The Beach bucket list is really just a guideline of things you may or may not wanna do within that year.  So here is my Beach bucket list for 2011.

1.  Go out to eat at a nice restaurant once a month. by nice I mean dressing up
2.  Clear all the junk/clutter from my house.  ( this will lead to clearing the junk/clutter from my mind as well)
3.  Go somewhere on vacation, not just in the house from one room to the next.
4.  Stop taking on everybody else's stuff.  ( I really do have enough of my own stuff)
5.  Call my Mother at least once a week.  ( I have really been lacking on this one, smdh)
6.  Reach out to my little sister and brother from another mother, (it's not their fault I don't like their daddy very much)
7.  Call my baby big brother at least once a month.  (hmm, I probably could call more, but he talks way to much for my taste and plus he's always trying to get me to buy something ;~)
8.  Go to see at least 2 movies this year on opening day....yeah right, I think I might be to cheap for that one
9.  Lose 10 pounds.  I've been saying this for a while now, It's time to start doing and not just talking about it
10. This is a big one for me.....QUIT SMOKING..oh gosh.. just saying it makes me nervous..but I got to do this one for me.

Ok, that's it.  Not a big deal.  All of them doable with little effort on my part.  It's like the NIKE commercial, Just do it.  The hardest part is getting started.  Ok, I think I'll start with this pile of magazines on my bedside.  They keep falling over,(yeah it's that high, man that is not sexy at all) and plus if I trash em, I can always put a nice sexy night stand there for holding actual stuff like my morning coffee..or say the remote for the tv. Sounds good to me.

***UPDATE***06/07/11

So what have I done as far as my bucket list of 2011..here's the rundown

1. have not been out to a restaurant yet and it's what June? ok
2. Started clearing the clutter. I am making progress on that.  Actually I will be posting some pictures of that in the near future.
3.Ok, the vacation thing may have to wait for another year.  Would I like to go somewhere? hell yes, but economics will not allow it this year, so I am going to make my house/home a staycation relaxing place to chill.
4.The everybody else's stuff thing.  WHHOOOA NELLY.  How do you stop taking on everybody's stuff when they keep dropping it off at your door and just leaving it there.  Ive been throwing out a lot of stuff lately. A lot. And I'm gonna write a whole post dedicated to that.
5. Call my MOM at least 1 a week. OK, I've made significate progress on this.  Maybe not the 1 per week I promised, but I am moving closer to that goal.
6. Lil sis/brother.  NO PROGRESS AT ALL. HMMM,  just my stuborn ass.. what can I say?
7. Lil big brother.....yeah see #6
8. Movies... still waiting for something to come out that I want to go see..Tyler?
9. Pounds...hahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahah WETF?
10.  See #9..
Ok that's it.  I am a lazy ass. But I have made some steps toward making the things that are really important to me better.  Now to just get some people outta my house.

***UPDATE***02/11/17 LAWD!!!!

Looking over my bucket list from 2010 and NOW IT'S 2017
What have I done from this list...?????

1. The restaurant thing is a no go.  I eat out a lot at work, so going "out to eat" is really a non starter, But I am revising this for 2017, I will go to a new restaurant and try something new
2. The clutter is slowly coming under control.  I had work done on my house in 2013 and a lot of the clutter was disposed of then.  I still have some things to remove, but I am getting closer to a minimalist lifestyle
3. Vacations....LOL.. soo I did get a passport so I can  travel.  I am working on a vacation somewhere
4. Everybody's stuff... I have removed certain people from my life. That was a big relief
5. I call my mom at lest once a week sometimes more
6. Lil sis/brother..hmmmm, I'm stuck there
7. Lil brother from the same mother.. well we talk mostly on holidays and when he needs money
8. Movies......I am STILL waiting on something I think is worth $20
9. I am working out,, progress right?
10. I did quit smoking 5 years 5 months and 8 days ago.. yaay me!!

T aka L

I can't breathe, a letter to someone not so real

I have been feeling like this for some time.  Like everything is suffocating me.

I can't breathe.

I walk into my house and the people there feel like they are hiding shit from me.  Like they are having this big ass secret party that I wasn't invited to, but I am paying for.  I can't figure out on the surface why I feel like this. But I know why I do.  Because what I have is not mines.  It never was.  It was some one else's fake ass life and they just threw it off on me.

I often find myself on the verge of crying for no reason.  Tears will just well up in my eyes.  Then I have to fake like I got something in my eyes or put the eye drops in so that no one will be able to tell I was just crying. Cause why again?  Fuck if I know.  If this isn't the definition of Bi-fucking-polar, I just don't know what the hell is.  All these people walking around wearing these fucked up labels, do they even know.

 "Oh hi, I'm bi-polar today.  Tomorrow I'll be anxiety disorder, thank you for asking."

How am I suppose to deal with your shit and my shit too?  How can someone even consider trying to control someone else's life.  OMG!!! (that's some funny shit, that OMG is now considered a word..LOL wait that's some funny shit too that LOL is now considered a word, anyway back to OMG) How the fuck on God's green earth are we suppose to keep all the pieces together, when they are all over the damn place.

I hate liars.  I know hate is a strong word, but that's how I really feel.  I HATE LIARS.  more than anything else on earth.  Liars cause hurt, fights, wars, drama.  I HATE LIARS. and ungrateful motherfuckers.  Liars are the worst though, I have a hard time forgiving a lie.  Ungrateful, not so much.  You just say thank you and move on.  Liars though, cause so much pain, they don't even know.

I know a man who lies just on GP.  Doesn't even have to. Just does, cause he thinks it will keep the peace.  But then when he is caught in his lie, he will say, "what I do?"  Like he is innocent. But if you lie, you are not innocent, you are a coward.  Cause cowards lie.

My momma use to say, "if you can't say anything nice, don't say nothing at all".  Well I think they should change that to" if you gonna lie, just shut the fuck up"..Yeah?  why the hell not.  Who the hell wants to hear your damn coward ass lie? Not me.  I got other stuff I could be doing.  Listening to your lies is not high on my list of things to do.  In fact, I don't recall it being on my list at all.

Whoo, I can feel myself breathing.  I just had the deepest breath I've had in a long time.   Whoa nelly, I think I gonna be dizzy.. I need to get the bullshit and drama from my life.

I need for you to let me go.  Let me go.  I can't carry your shit and mines too.  let me go.

T aka L

AutoPilot

I realized recently that I have been on autopilot for a while now.  I've disconnected from my world.  I really did not realize this until two of my friends died a couple weeks back.. Both I  had known for many years.  One was like a brother to me.  He was funny and somewhat of a character.  He had a massive stroke and died.  Just like that.  He was gone..nothing to say.  That was on Saturday.  Then on Monday, another friend whom I had known for at least 25 years passed away in her sleep.  She had been sick for a while.  But not really sick sick like you see people in the hospital for.  No, she knew she had Cancer, we all did.  But she was surviving it.  Treatments are not like they were 20 or 30 years ago.  When they operated and you died in months.  Now adays, people may live for years after they discovered they have cancer. Many just have treatments and go into remission.  But my friend, my sister, she....well, lets just say she fought the good fight.  Then she had enough.

From the moment she found out her cancer had metastasized until she died was about 3 or 4 weeks. It had spread to all parts of her body.  Nothing left to do but die.  I had just talked to her weeks earlier on the phone.  She had moved away from the "hood" for her children.  Took 'em to the desert, she always said.  And she did literally.  Right in the middle of the desert.  Hahaha.  She could make me laugh out loud, even though I knew she was serious.

Well, their deaths made me think about my own life.  I think that's when I realized, I was on autopilot. Just moving along with no direction.  Just living everyday life with no real plans for anything.  In fact, I realized that I was not even living.  I was just existing. I did not feel anything anymore.  I couldn't even decide what I wanted to eat most days.  No passion, or desire for anything.  Is this all there is?  You wake up one morning and realize, "It's your day to die",  and that's all folks....

I looked in the mirror this morning, and didn't like what I saw.. I wondered did other people see the tired disconnected person that I've become.  It's funny how you hear people say," life just beats you up, then you die".. I understand what they mean now.  It's like when I experienced "peace of mind" for the first time.  OMG!! for real.  There is no other feeling on earth like the feelings that come with peace of mind.  Even better than sex.  And I like sex a lot.  But I like peace of mind even more.

Peace of mind is what you get when you realize that there is nothing on earth that you need at that moment in time.  Peace of mind has nothing to do with "WANT" at all. But everything to do with your perception of need.  You can always want more.  But when you realize there is NOTHING that you need, well, the feeling is incomparable with anything else you will ever feel in life, except maybe pure love.  Yeah. Pure love.. like the kind you get from a puppy, when you've been gone all day and just walk in the door.  They are happy to see you, and love you just for being there.

That is pure love received.  Pure love given, like the first time you look into the eyes of your new born baby, knowing that this little person's life is in your hands.  And even though you may not have all the answers, they don't know it and to them you are the world, everything they need.. awe yeah, peace of mind.  If I could give anything to the world, It would be peace of mind.  If the world could have peace of mind, there would be no need for wars at all. Because people would realize that they have everything they need at that moment.

Have your ever known someone who just has to be "in" on everything.  I mean, they wake up in the morning wondering whose business they are going to invade with their presence today.  They talk way to much, never let anyone finish their own thoughts or sentence because theirs is oh so much more important and can't stay any where for to long, because they feel like they are going to miss something.  They rarely  sleep, and as soon as their phone rings, they answer it, like they have some big deal that's about to go through at any minute and if they don't answer the world is just going to stop rotating.  Yeah.  Needy, that's what I call them.  Oh so needy individuals, whose very existence depends on the rest of the world acknowledging that they exist. That's what the world is made up of today.  Needy individuals, whose only purpose in life is for You to acknowledge them. And if you don't they will make your live miserable.  But that subject is off topic. I don't want to talk about needy people, because that's just what they want.. the whole damn world talking about them.  No this is about me.

I feel completely disconnected from everything around me.  It's like someone just put a hood over my head and said just keep going.  Don't look at anything.. don't feel anything.. don't enjoy anything.. just go.  And keep going until I tell you to stop.. Is this life.  Is this living? What the hell is this.

I know now why they say youth is wasted on the young.  I didn't want to know then what I know now.  It would do me no good.  I'd only waste it, because I would think I have all the time in the world to do whatever..You know the young, they think they are going to live forever.

I guess living through the deaths of two close friends has a way of making you look at your own life. And sometimes, just sometimes we get it.  I am in process of getting it.  I am a work in progress.  I don't know how much time I have left for this world, but I hope that I can keep getting it, and never stop learning.  I hope one day to be that eccentric little old lady on the block, who comes out early in the morning with coffee in hand,waving to everyone on the block, wither I know them or not. Wearing a big purple hat to block the sun from my old eyes, and blue clogs, just cause I think they look good, and they are comfortable.  I hope that someday, I'll spoil my grandkids with too much candy, pie and cookies and that they will love going to grandma's house.  I hope that one day, when I reconnect with my life, that I will look back on this period and think to myself, those were wonderful times.  I hope that when I am laid to rest, on my last day of life, I have no regrets, not for the things that I did, but for the things I didn't do.

I don't regret anything I've done.  I am glad for the life I've had.  Even for what some would perceive to be the bad stuff. Because of the bad things, I learned that I am strong, and that "this to shall pass".  Because of the bad stuff, I learned that I can handle adversity, and come out a better person.  Because of the bad stuff, I learned that the world is not so scary, and that if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, eventually you get somewhere.  It may not be where you wanna be, but it will be where you need to be at that moment in time.

Yes, i feel myself trying to reconnect as I write this.  I don't wanna cry, but for some reason I FEEL sad.  Maybe it's because, I lost two dear friends.  Maybe it's because I realize I lost myself.  Maybe it's because I know somewhere inside of me, I am crying to come out and wear a big purple hat and blue clogs.

Time to come off autopilot..... ;~)

T aka L

Distractions!

Today, we have so many distractions, its hard to pay attention anymore. It saddens me to see the number of people with what they call "Adult Attention Deficit Disorder". WTH is that? Is that when you have so much fucking stuff going on in your world that you can't pay attention to one thing for very long?

Sometimes it really pisses me off when, say I am talking to someone and their cell phone rings or they get a text and they just stop you from your thought with" hold that thought for a minute", then just walk away and answer the damn cell or text...HOLD THAT THOUGHT? or u fucking shitting me? I don't want to hold the damn thought. If I wanted to hold the thought, I wouldn't have started it in the first place. Understood..

So when people do me like that, I don't finish the conversation...you come back after a 30 second phone call and want me to repeat everything I just said, because you forgot what WE was talking about... hahahaha..yeah right...I just walk away..literally.

 I feel like if what I was saying was not important enough for you to listen the first time, why the hell would I want to repeat it again so you can ignore it a second time... NOPE!!! Yeah Distractions.. I have a major beef with them..Don't get me wrong.. I have the cell (ha smart) phone, and laptop.. I can text with the best of them, although not as fast as I saw in the verizon commercial.. that dude was texting his ass off. But hey.. I got it.. people need to communicate. What I take exception to is when people just outright ignore each other right in yo damn face because they phone rang. I think there is nothing ruder than answering yo damn cell phone while someone is trying to have a damn conversation with you.

When I am out with friends, I put my phone on silent, because I am out. If I wanted to hear your bullshit about what yo dude did last night, I would have stayed home. Everyone knows not to call me with bullshit.. I won't answer. Leave me a fucking message and if what you have to say is important I'll call you back. If it's bullshit, I might just delete the damn message, and talk to you when I talk to you.

I've gotten really good at deleting stuff. Unless it's life and death, don't call me with the bullshit.. I HAVE ENOUGH OF MY OWN. I DON'T NEED YOURS.....GOT IT?

So with the advent of the latest technology, people's attention spans have gotten shorter and shorter. No longer can we sit still for a 30second commercial, we must change the channel and "watch" something else for that 30seconds. having a meaningful conversation with someone is out the damn door. No. conversation must include at least one person on the phone , who you are talking to, 2 people that you are texting with and at least one person on yo damn laptop that you are skyping with.. yeah that's it. we need all this stimulation to keep us going. No wonder we are so fucking fat.. WOW! where the hell did that come from?

Remember when you was a kid, and you didn't have a cell phone, so you actually went to your bff's house to talk or play..Does anyone do that anymore? I think not. thus the reason when you go to the park on any given day, you wont see any kids at all. The parks are populated by homeless people now. You subject to walk right in the middle of somebody's home thinking you just got a prime location under a really big shade tree, only to look up and see somebody's pants hanging there drying..

WHERE ARE THE KIDS?  At home.. we training them to be lazy little bastards..don't text and drive, dont walk and text, don't do anything else but text,and ignore anything else that is going on around you except that damn phone.

Situational reality is really lacking. Most don't have a clue of whats going on around them until someone tells them. Cause they was texting or talking on the damn cell phone.

I remember being at the mall one day. Sitting in the food court, eating some Panda Express..I see this guy sitting at a table next to a young lady that is texting on her phone and laughing out loud about whatever was being said, the guy just watches the girl for about a minute, cause that's about how long his attention span was.. but when he was sure the girl was not paying any attention at all, he lifted her whole damn purse from right by her side and went through it. Now, I'm sitting there eating my chinese food and thinking, is this one of them reality TV shows where they try to see what people would do in certain situations? I just watch the whole situation play out.. then the guy replaces the unsuspecting girl's purse and walks away.. SHE NOTICES NOTHING!! TEXTING on her phone....., I finish my chinese food and walk away myself. Later at the Macy's ,I see her in the store talking to someone and again not paying any attention to surroundings at all. Until she goes to pay for the items in her hand and wuala...she has no wallet.. GONE in like 15 seconds or less. HMMMM, do I say something.? Ponder...Ponder...Ponder... naw.. I just walk away, my cell is ringing anyhow, with someone whose call I am not going to answer.

Message says" Hello, you have finally reached me,however I am not answering my phone because I knew that it was you. If you have not texted, emailed, IM'd, minged, facebooked, myspaced, or skyped me lately or follow me on twitter, I don't know who you are...soooooo, hit me on one of my various e-mail accounts and let me know who you are or you can just leave a message and I'll get back to you eventually.." 

 T aka L

cleaning walls

I started to clean my house so to speak. Literally and figuratively. Really.. I've been living in Grandmomma's house for the last 10 years. And just recently I had an epiphany that it ain't Grandmomma's house anymore. Although technically it is. It is finally becoming my home. someone had asked me, years ago, when I first moved in here, why, if I lived here mortgage free, I hadn't fixed it up really nice. After all, it's not like I had a hella mortgage to pay, just your everyday bills, you know utilities, phone, cable ...etc. This got me to thinking... But it took me a while to get to the answer. But that same "someone" also told me that if I would be quiet and listen to the wind, I would gain clarity. With all the noise going on in today's world, being quiet is one of the hardest things to do. Cell phones ringing, laptops brrring with im's. TV's in the background with whatever playing, cars racing down the street, but not only that noise, there was the noise in my head preventing me from being truly quiet. So, I turned allllll the noise off. I stopped answering my phone, I turned the TV off... I let the cars go by without a thought.I stopped listening to the noise in my head. The negativity that we beat ourselves down with everyday.

Stillness and quiet.

It took a sad moment in my life to get there, but every negative moment has a positive moment in return. In that moment I began to hear the birds chirping, crickets, even bees flying in the wind and a conversation began to form. A conversation between me and the wind. I could actually HEAR the wind and on it GODS words to me personally. This was a profound moment in time for me because this was not the first time I'd had a conversation with God. I'd done it many times before, but this was the first time that I really heard what was being said and not just what I wanted to hear...

"LOVE YOUR HOME AND IT WILL LOVE YOU BACK".

I'd heard those words before. At first I didn't know what it meant. I thought I did love my home, but then I realized, what I was loving was Grandmomma's house, not MY HOME. There is a distinct difference between Grandmommas' house and MY HOME. Grandmomma's house is where I used to go when I was a little girl for Sunday and holiday dinners. She would cook for days for the holiday dinners and everyone would come to her house with her immaculately set tables. WE would all gather in the dining room and hold hands and pray over china plates, and tea service, and real silver dinnerware. Dessert plates trimmed with real gold.

Yeah, Grandmomma's house with all the trimmings. Turkey, cranberry sauce, lemon meringue pie, banana pudding. OMG! I REALLY! loved going to Grandmomma's house for those dinners. Summertime spend picking fruit out of trees in the backyard, running around in the water sprinklers on hot summer days and eating all the watermelon I could until my stomach hurt. She would make ice cream from real stuff, and churn it in the ice cream maker, then when it was almost ready she would put the fruit in it ...That was the shit...chunks of strawberries we would grow in the backyard, or peaches picked from the balcony of the upstairs bedroom..Those were the days..

I guess when I moved in here, I thought subconsciously, that Grandmomma was still somewhere around here, you know, cleaning, cooking, doing Grandmomma stuff. So for ten years, I lived with her stuff intermingled with mine. Old couches from the 60's. Lamps that have seen better days. The kitchen floor still has the same tile on it from when she had the kitchen redone 40 years ago. 

Recently, I began to clean the walls. I wanted to paint. I was thinking that if I painted, maybe, somehow it would begin to feel like mines. Well, the preparation for the paint, washing walls, the layers began to fall away. I could feel me emerging from under the years of dirt that had accumulated from the neglect of an old lady to old to care about such things anymore. Its not that she didn't care about it, she did. My Grandmomma kept a clean house. But years of taking care of others and no one taking care of her back, took it's toll on her.

I was there for her most days, not that I am looking for accolades or points for it. But I talked to her almost everyday. I came to Grandmomma's house at least twice a week if not more to check on her. Even though my oldest daughter lived here with her, it was not her responsibility to make sure my Grandmomma was ok.

So when she knew she was nearing the end of her life she asked me, "Do you want this house?" I was stunned, because I always thought she would leave it to one of her children.. But my momma didnt want it, and my uncle was MIA. Soooooo... I said, ok, just to appease an old woman..not really thinking what it all really meant..all she asked of me was to take care of the house.. Fix it. Love it and it will love you back..." I promise" was my answer to her....

Those words had escaped me. I had forgotten the PROMISE I had made to an ailing old lady, My Grandmomma just to appease her in that moment in time and move on to another conversation. After all I didn't want to think about Grandmommy leaving me like that. Trips to Texas maybe, but dying... uh no. But they were just words at the time. LOVE IT and IT WILL LOVE YOU BACK.....HUH?

Ok, I finally got it... I had been loving Grandmomma's house. Not my house. So today, with all the layers of dirt coming down, the guards that I put up to keep people away are beginning to come down also. I feel myself emerging from underneath the layers of years of neglect. It is almost like a metamorphosis of sorts. Like a butterfly coming of age from inside a ragged cocoon. I can't wait to see how it will turn out. I still have a lot of work to do.. But it is a work in progress and as with anything worth doing.. worth the work.

This will be a new beginning of sorts for me and the house. A chance to express my inner self. I think I will make this the new Grandmomma's house for when my children have kids of their own. They can come and make new memories. Then one day when, I come to the end of my journey, I will leave it to one of them to create a home for themselves to love. yeah.

I got all that from the wind..HI Grandmommy

First Post

I've always been intrigued by the ideal of writing for the masses. Haha. So, with the invent of blogging, I finally have my chance.  So, this is just the first installment.  I am a prolific talker.  I will probably become a prolific writer.  I hope I have a chance to make you think, go hmm sometimes, curse and wonder, "What the hell was she thinking?" I will probably check in weekly, sometimes daily, but I will always be honest in whatever the hell I am blogging about.  Feel free to express whatever opinion you may have about anything that I may blog about.

T
aka
L