I started to clean my house so to speak. Literally and figuratively. Really.. I've been living in Grandmomma's house for the last 10 years. And just recently I had an epiphany that it ain't Grandmomma's house anymore. Although technically it is. It is finally becoming my home. someone had asked me, years ago, when I first moved in here, why, if I lived here mortgage free, I hadn't fixed it up really nice. After all, it's not like I had a hella mortgage to pay, just your everyday bills, you know utilities, phone, cable ...etc. This got me to thinking... But it took me a while to get to the answer. But that same "someone" also told me that if I would be quiet and listen to the wind, I would gain clarity. With all the noise going on in today's world, being quiet is one of the hardest things to do. Cell phones ringing, laptops brrring with im's. TV's in the background with whatever playing, cars racing down the street, but not only that noise, there was the noise in my head preventing me from being truly quiet. So, I turned allllll the noise off. I stopped answering my phone, I turned the TV off... I let the cars go by without a thought.I stopped listening to the noise in my head. The negativity that we beat ourselves down with everyday.
Stillness and quiet.
It took a sad moment in my life to get there, but every negative moment has a positive moment in return. In that moment I began to hear the birds chirping, crickets, even bees flying in the wind and a conversation began to form. A conversation between me and the wind. I could actually HEAR the wind and on it GODS words to me personally. This was a profound moment in time for me because this was not the first time I'd had a conversation with God. I'd done it many times before, but this was the first time that I really heard what was being said and not just what I wanted to hear...
"LOVE YOUR HOME AND IT WILL LOVE YOU BACK".
I'd heard those words before. At first I didn't know what it meant. I thought I did love my home, but then I realized, what I was loving was Grandmomma's house, not MY HOME. There is a distinct difference between Grandmommas' house and MY HOME. Grandmomma's house is where I used to go when I was a little girl for Sunday and holiday dinners. She would cook for days for the holiday dinners and everyone would come to her house with her immaculately set tables. WE would all gather in the dining room and hold hands and pray over china plates, and tea service, and real silver dinnerware. Dessert plates trimmed with real gold.
Yeah, Grandmomma's house with all the trimmings. Turkey, cranberry sauce, lemon meringue pie, banana pudding. OMG! I REALLY! loved going to Grandmomma's house for those dinners. Summertime spend picking fruit out of trees in the backyard, running around in the water sprinklers on hot summer days and eating all the watermelon I could until my stomach hurt. She would make ice cream from real stuff, and churn it in the ice cream maker, then when it was almost ready she would put the fruit in it ...That was the shit...chunks of strawberries we would grow in the backyard, or peaches picked from the balcony of the upstairs bedroom..Those were the days..
I guess when I moved in here, I thought subconsciously, that Grandmomma was still somewhere around here, you know, cleaning, cooking, doing Grandmomma stuff. So for ten years, I lived with her stuff intermingled with mine. Old couches from the 60's. Lamps that have seen better days. The kitchen floor still has the same tile on it from when she had the kitchen redone 40 years ago.
Recently, I began to clean the walls. I wanted to paint. I was thinking that if I painted, maybe, somehow it would begin to feel like mines. Well, the preparation for the paint, washing walls, the layers began to fall away. I could feel me emerging from under the years of dirt that had accumulated from the neglect of an old lady to old to care about such things anymore. Its not that she didn't care about it, she did. My Grandmomma kept a clean house. But years of taking care of others and no one taking care of her back, took it's toll on her.
I was there for her most days, not that I am looking for accolades or points for it. But I talked to her almost everyday. I came to Grandmomma's house at least twice a week if not more to check on her. Even though my oldest daughter lived here with her, it was not her responsibility to make sure my Grandmomma was ok.
So when she knew she was nearing the end of her life she asked me, "Do you want this house?" I was stunned, because I always thought she would leave it to one of her children.. But my momma didnt want it, and my uncle was MIA. Soooooo... I said, ok, just to appease an old woman..not really thinking what it all really meant..all she asked of me was to take care of the house.. Fix it. Love it and it will love you back..." I promise" was my answer to her....
Those words had escaped me. I had forgotten the PROMISE I had made to an ailing old lady, My Grandmomma just to appease her in that moment in time and move on to another conversation. After all I didn't want to think about Grandmommy leaving me like that. Trips to Texas maybe, but dying... uh no. But they were just words at the time. LOVE IT and IT WILL LOVE YOU BACK.....HUH?
Ok, I finally got it... I had been loving Grandmomma's house. Not my house. So today, with all the layers of dirt coming down, the guards that I put up to keep people away are beginning to come down also. I feel myself emerging from underneath the layers of years of neglect. It is almost like a metamorphosis of sorts. Like a butterfly coming of age from inside a ragged cocoon. I can't wait to see how it will turn out. I still have a lot of work to do.. But it is a work in progress and as with anything worth doing.. worth the work.
This will be a new beginning of sorts for me and the house. A chance to express my inner self. I think I will make this the new Grandmomma's house for when my children have kids of their own. They can come and make new memories. Then one day when, I come to the end of my journey, I will leave it to one of them to create a home for themselves to love. yeah.
I got all that from the wind..HI Grandmommy
Stillness and quiet.
It took a sad moment in my life to get there, but every negative moment has a positive moment in return. In that moment I began to hear the birds chirping, crickets, even bees flying in the wind and a conversation began to form. A conversation between me and the wind. I could actually HEAR the wind and on it GODS words to me personally. This was a profound moment in time for me because this was not the first time I'd had a conversation with God. I'd done it many times before, but this was the first time that I really heard what was being said and not just what I wanted to hear...
"LOVE YOUR HOME AND IT WILL LOVE YOU BACK".
I'd heard those words before. At first I didn't know what it meant. I thought I did love my home, but then I realized, what I was loving was Grandmomma's house, not MY HOME. There is a distinct difference between Grandmommas' house and MY HOME. Grandmomma's house is where I used to go when I was a little girl for Sunday and holiday dinners. She would cook for days for the holiday dinners and everyone would come to her house with her immaculately set tables. WE would all gather in the dining room and hold hands and pray over china plates, and tea service, and real silver dinnerware. Dessert plates trimmed with real gold.
Yeah, Grandmomma's house with all the trimmings. Turkey, cranberry sauce, lemon meringue pie, banana pudding. OMG! I REALLY! loved going to Grandmomma's house for those dinners. Summertime spend picking fruit out of trees in the backyard, running around in the water sprinklers on hot summer days and eating all the watermelon I could until my stomach hurt. She would make ice cream from real stuff, and churn it in the ice cream maker, then when it was almost ready she would put the fruit in it ...That was the shit...chunks of strawberries we would grow in the backyard, or peaches picked from the balcony of the upstairs bedroom..Those were the days..
I guess when I moved in here, I thought subconsciously, that Grandmomma was still somewhere around here, you know, cleaning, cooking, doing Grandmomma stuff. So for ten years, I lived with her stuff intermingled with mine. Old couches from the 60's. Lamps that have seen better days. The kitchen floor still has the same tile on it from when she had the kitchen redone 40 years ago.
Recently, I began to clean the walls. I wanted to paint. I was thinking that if I painted, maybe, somehow it would begin to feel like mines. Well, the preparation for the paint, washing walls, the layers began to fall away. I could feel me emerging from under the years of dirt that had accumulated from the neglect of an old lady to old to care about such things anymore. Its not that she didn't care about it, she did. My Grandmomma kept a clean house. But years of taking care of others and no one taking care of her back, took it's toll on her.
I was there for her most days, not that I am looking for accolades or points for it. But I talked to her almost everyday. I came to Grandmomma's house at least twice a week if not more to check on her. Even though my oldest daughter lived here with her, it was not her responsibility to make sure my Grandmomma was ok.
So when she knew she was nearing the end of her life she asked me, "Do you want this house?" I was stunned, because I always thought she would leave it to one of her children.. But my momma didnt want it, and my uncle was MIA. Soooooo... I said, ok, just to appease an old woman..not really thinking what it all really meant..all she asked of me was to take care of the house.. Fix it. Love it and it will love you back..." I promise" was my answer to her....
Those words had escaped me. I had forgotten the PROMISE I had made to an ailing old lady, My Grandmomma just to appease her in that moment in time and move on to another conversation. After all I didn't want to think about Grandmommy leaving me like that. Trips to Texas maybe, but dying... uh no. But they were just words at the time. LOVE IT and IT WILL LOVE YOU BACK.....HUH?
Ok, I finally got it... I had been loving Grandmomma's house. Not my house. So today, with all the layers of dirt coming down, the guards that I put up to keep people away are beginning to come down also. I feel myself emerging from underneath the layers of years of neglect. It is almost like a metamorphosis of sorts. Like a butterfly coming of age from inside a ragged cocoon. I can't wait to see how it will turn out. I still have a lot of work to do.. But it is a work in progress and as with anything worth doing.. worth the work.
This will be a new beginning of sorts for me and the house. A chance to express my inner self. I think I will make this the new Grandmomma's house for when my children have kids of their own. They can come and make new memories. Then one day when, I come to the end of my journey, I will leave it to one of them to create a home for themselves to love. yeah.
I got all that from the wind..HI Grandmommy
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