My ex-husband got married I think this weekend.. I don't know how I feel about this. Did he marry willingly? Did she have to force him? Is this something that he wanted to do? I feel cheated. Did he marry me because I was pregnant? Because I told him if we didn't get married, I was going to move out and he would probably never see his kid, Why did he marry me. Why was it so easy to cheat on me?
IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?
I have asked myself this question many times. Every-time a relationship ends for me I always wonder this.
I remember when I was younger and dating the one guy, I thought we were on the path to marriage, when he suddenly announced to me that he had gotten married. I was devastated. I cried for 3 days in front of a huge picture window in my apartment while I drank Gin right from the bottle. I was useless for a week afterwards.
Then there was guy that I lived with, who worked nights. I remember coming home form work early one day to find him coming out of the lady's house down the street. Apparently he had been fucking the mother and the daughter while I was working hard all day. He'd fuck the daughter while the mother and I were at work, then he'd fuck the mother at his job while I was at home. So the daughter and I both felt cheated on with the mother. What a crock.
Then there was the guy I dated after my husband and I divorced, who married not one but two women while we were dating. I forgave him for the first one, but the second time I had to walk away.
Then there was the guy who told me he had broken up with his crazy ass girlfriend who he really didn't care about but was financially bond to, who came over to see me and spend a lot of time with me even make plans with me only to just disappear one day off the face of the earth. Only for me to find out that he had gotten married to his crazy ass girlfriend that he was financially bond to.
Man.. the guy that I am dating(well not really) now tells me that I made more of the relationship than it was. That I forced him to move in with me and that he always thought this was how I roll.Just picking up random guys, taking them home and spending all my time and money on them so they can do what exactly? HELL IF I KNOW... OK.. catch my breath.. Just breathe.
I have a fundamental dis-trust of relationships now, and I don't trust my own judgement when it comes to picking people. I don't believe anyone really loves or even cares about me..And I wonder why it is so damn easy for people to use me and throw me away like yesterdays trash?
So, I will not be so ready to get involved with anyone. I know I will not trust anyone for a long time. I just don't think I will do this again. At 54, my prospects for companionship are not that high anyway, so I will probably not date anymore. I'm thinking I will probably become one of those old ladies who go to bingo and church all the time. I'll probably have 10 cats and a fussy dog..I'll eat alone and spend all my time playing stupid games on facebook.
This is not the vision I had for my life all those years ago..But then I don't really recall what vision I had.
A guy once told me that I don't ask anything of anyone..That's why I get nothing in return. I guess my thoughts on it are different than others, because I've always believed that if someone wants to help you they will, you don't have to ask, they will ask you. If someone really wants you, they will show you they do. If a man wants to marry you, he will ask you and you don't have to make threats. If you are meant to be together nothing will keep you apart.
No one came for me, no one is looking for me, no one is showing me they want me or that they even care about me. So, let that be my lesson in life. I accept this and will not whine about it. I will accept this as the life that I was given, the hand I was dealt and live it just as it is.. ALONE with 10 cats and a fussy dog
T aka L
IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?
I have asked myself this question many times. Every-time a relationship ends for me I always wonder this.
I remember when I was younger and dating the one guy, I thought we were on the path to marriage, when he suddenly announced to me that he had gotten married. I was devastated. I cried for 3 days in front of a huge picture window in my apartment while I drank Gin right from the bottle. I was useless for a week afterwards.
Then there was guy that I lived with, who worked nights. I remember coming home form work early one day to find him coming out of the lady's house down the street. Apparently he had been fucking the mother and the daughter while I was working hard all day. He'd fuck the daughter while the mother and I were at work, then he'd fuck the mother at his job while I was at home. So the daughter and I both felt cheated on with the mother. What a crock.
Then there was the guy I dated after my husband and I divorced, who married not one but two women while we were dating. I forgave him for the first one, but the second time I had to walk away.
Then there was the guy who told me he had broken up with his crazy ass girlfriend who he really didn't care about but was financially bond to, who came over to see me and spend a lot of time with me even make plans with me only to just disappear one day off the face of the earth. Only for me to find out that he had gotten married to his crazy ass girlfriend that he was financially bond to.
Man.. the guy that I am dating(well not really) now tells me that I made more of the relationship than it was. That I forced him to move in with me and that he always thought this was how I roll.Just picking up random guys, taking them home and spending all my time and money on them so they can do what exactly? HELL IF I KNOW... OK.. catch my breath.. Just breathe.
I have a fundamental dis-trust of relationships now, and I don't trust my own judgement when it comes to picking people. I don't believe anyone really loves or even cares about me..And I wonder why it is so damn easy for people to use me and throw me away like yesterdays trash?
So, I will not be so ready to get involved with anyone. I know I will not trust anyone for a long time. I just don't think I will do this again. At 54, my prospects for companionship are not that high anyway, so I will probably not date anymore. I'm thinking I will probably become one of those old ladies who go to bingo and church all the time. I'll probably have 10 cats and a fussy dog..I'll eat alone and spend all my time playing stupid games on facebook.
This is not the vision I had for my life all those years ago..But then I don't really recall what vision I had.
A guy once told me that I don't ask anything of anyone..That's why I get nothing in return. I guess my thoughts on it are different than others, because I've always believed that if someone wants to help you they will, you don't have to ask, they will ask you. If someone really wants you, they will show you they do. If a man wants to marry you, he will ask you and you don't have to make threats. If you are meant to be together nothing will keep you apart.
No one came for me, no one is looking for me, no one is showing me they want me or that they even care about me. So, let that be my lesson in life. I accept this and will not whine about it. I will accept this as the life that I was given, the hand I was dealt and live it just as it is.. ALONE with 10 cats and a fussy dog
T aka L
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