I realized recently that I have been on autopilot for a while now. I've disconnected from my world. I really did not realize this until two of my friends died a couple weeks back.. Both I had known for many years. One was like a brother to me. He was funny and somewhat of a character. He had a massive stroke and died. Just like that. He was gone..nothing to say. That was on Saturday. Then on Monday, another friend whom I had known for at least 25 years passed away in her sleep. She had been sick for a while. But not really sick sick like you see people in the hospital for. No, she knew she had Cancer, we all did. But she was surviving it. Treatments are not like they were 20 or 30 years ago. When they operated and you died in months. Now adays, people may live for years after they discovered they have cancer. Many just have treatments and go into remission. But my friend, my sister, she....well, lets just say she fought the good fight. Then she had enough.
From the moment she found out her cancer had metastasized until she died was about 3 or 4 weeks. It had spread to all parts of her body. Nothing left to do but die. I had just talked to her weeks earlier on the phone. She had moved away from the "hood" for her children. Took 'em to the desert, she always said. And she did literally. Right in the middle of the desert. Hahaha. She could make me laugh out loud, even though I knew she was serious.
Well, their deaths made me think about my own life. I think that's when I realized, I was on autopilot. Just moving along with no direction. Just living everyday life with no real plans for anything. In fact, I realized that I was not even living. I was just existing. I did not feel anything anymore. I couldn't even decide what I wanted to eat most days. No passion, or desire for anything. Is this all there is? You wake up one morning and realize, "It's your day to die", and that's all folks....
I looked in the mirror this morning, and didn't like what I saw.. I wondered did other people see the tired disconnected person that I've become. It's funny how you hear people say," life just beats you up, then you die".. I understand what they mean now. It's like when I experienced "peace of mind" for the first time. OMG!! for real. There is no other feeling on earth like the feelings that come with peace of mind. Even better than sex. And I like sex a lot. But I like peace of mind even more.
Peace of mind is what you get when you realize that there is nothing on earth that you need at that moment in time. Peace of mind has nothing to do with "WANT" at all. But everything to do with your perception of need. You can always want more. But when you realize there is NOTHING that you need, well, the feeling is incomparable with anything else you will ever feel in life, except maybe pure love. Yeah. Pure love.. like the kind you get from a puppy, when you've been gone all day and just walk in the door. They are happy to see you, and love you just for being there.
That is pure love received. Pure love given, like the first time you look into the eyes of your new born baby, knowing that this little person's life is in your hands. And even though you may not have all the answers, they don't know it and to them you are the world, everything they need.. awe yeah, peace of mind. If I could give anything to the world, It would be peace of mind. If the world could have peace of mind, there would be no need for wars at all. Because people would realize that they have everything they need at that moment.
Have your ever known someone who just has to be "in" on everything. I mean, they wake up in the morning wondering whose business they are going to invade with their presence today. They talk way to much, never let anyone finish their own thoughts or sentence because theirs is oh so much more important and can't stay any where for to long, because they feel like they are going to miss something. They rarely sleep, and as soon as their phone rings, they answer it, like they have some big deal that's about to go through at any minute and if they don't answer the world is just going to stop rotating. Yeah. Needy, that's what I call them. Oh so needy individuals, whose very existence depends on the rest of the world acknowledging that they exist. That's what the world is made up of today. Needy individuals, whose only purpose in life is for You to acknowledge them. And if you don't they will make your live miserable. But that subject is off topic. I don't want to talk about needy people, because that's just what they want.. the whole damn world talking about them. No this is about me.
I feel completely disconnected from everything around me. It's like someone just put a hood over my head and said just keep going. Don't look at anything.. don't feel anything.. don't enjoy anything.. just go. And keep going until I tell you to stop.. Is this life. Is this living? What the hell is this.
I know now why they say youth is wasted on the young. I didn't want to know then what I know now. It would do me no good. I'd only waste it, because I would think I have all the time in the world to do whatever..You know the young, they think they are going to live forever.
I guess living through the deaths of two close friends has a way of making you look at your own life. And sometimes, just sometimes we get it. I am in process of getting it. I am a work in progress. I don't know how much time I have left for this world, but I hope that I can keep getting it, and never stop learning. I hope one day to be that eccentric little old lady on the block, who comes out early in the morning with coffee in hand,waving to everyone on the block, wither I know them or not. Wearing a big purple hat to block the sun from my old eyes, and blue clogs, just cause I think they look good, and they are comfortable. I hope that someday, I'll spoil my grandkids with too much candy, pie and cookies and that they will love going to grandma's house. I hope that one day, when I reconnect with my life, that I will look back on this period and think to myself, those were wonderful times. I hope that when I am laid to rest, on my last day of life, I have no regrets, not for the things that I did, but for the things I didn't do.
I don't regret anything I've done. I am glad for the life I've had. Even for what some would perceive to be the bad stuff. Because of the bad things, I learned that I am strong, and that "this to shall pass". Because of the bad stuff, I learned that I can handle adversity, and come out a better person. Because of the bad stuff, I learned that the world is not so scary, and that if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, eventually you get somewhere. It may not be where you wanna be, but it will be where you need to be at that moment in time.
Yes, i feel myself trying to reconnect as I write this. I don't wanna cry, but for some reason I FEEL sad. Maybe it's because, I lost two dear friends. Maybe it's because I realize I lost myself. Maybe it's because I know somewhere inside of me, I am crying to come out and wear a big purple hat and blue clogs.
Time to come off autopilot..... ;~)
T aka L
From the moment she found out her cancer had metastasized until she died was about 3 or 4 weeks. It had spread to all parts of her body. Nothing left to do but die. I had just talked to her weeks earlier on the phone. She had moved away from the "hood" for her children. Took 'em to the desert, she always said. And she did literally. Right in the middle of the desert. Hahaha. She could make me laugh out loud, even though I knew she was serious.
Well, their deaths made me think about my own life. I think that's when I realized, I was on autopilot. Just moving along with no direction. Just living everyday life with no real plans for anything. In fact, I realized that I was not even living. I was just existing. I did not feel anything anymore. I couldn't even decide what I wanted to eat most days. No passion, or desire for anything. Is this all there is? You wake up one morning and realize, "It's your day to die", and that's all folks....
I looked in the mirror this morning, and didn't like what I saw.. I wondered did other people see the tired disconnected person that I've become. It's funny how you hear people say," life just beats you up, then you die".. I understand what they mean now. It's like when I experienced "peace of mind" for the first time. OMG!! for real. There is no other feeling on earth like the feelings that come with peace of mind. Even better than sex. And I like sex a lot. But I like peace of mind even more.
Peace of mind is what you get when you realize that there is nothing on earth that you need at that moment in time. Peace of mind has nothing to do with "WANT" at all. But everything to do with your perception of need. You can always want more. But when you realize there is NOTHING that you need, well, the feeling is incomparable with anything else you will ever feel in life, except maybe pure love. Yeah. Pure love.. like the kind you get from a puppy, when you've been gone all day and just walk in the door. They are happy to see you, and love you just for being there.
That is pure love received. Pure love given, like the first time you look into the eyes of your new born baby, knowing that this little person's life is in your hands. And even though you may not have all the answers, they don't know it and to them you are the world, everything they need.. awe yeah, peace of mind. If I could give anything to the world, It would be peace of mind. If the world could have peace of mind, there would be no need for wars at all. Because people would realize that they have everything they need at that moment.
Have your ever known someone who just has to be "in" on everything. I mean, they wake up in the morning wondering whose business they are going to invade with their presence today. They talk way to much, never let anyone finish their own thoughts or sentence because theirs is oh so much more important and can't stay any where for to long, because they feel like they are going to miss something. They rarely sleep, and as soon as their phone rings, they answer it, like they have some big deal that's about to go through at any minute and if they don't answer the world is just going to stop rotating. Yeah. Needy, that's what I call them. Oh so needy individuals, whose very existence depends on the rest of the world acknowledging that they exist. That's what the world is made up of today. Needy individuals, whose only purpose in life is for You to acknowledge them. And if you don't they will make your live miserable. But that subject is off topic. I don't want to talk about needy people, because that's just what they want.. the whole damn world talking about them. No this is about me.
I feel completely disconnected from everything around me. It's like someone just put a hood over my head and said just keep going. Don't look at anything.. don't feel anything.. don't enjoy anything.. just go. And keep going until I tell you to stop.. Is this life. Is this living? What the hell is this.
I know now why they say youth is wasted on the young. I didn't want to know then what I know now. It would do me no good. I'd only waste it, because I would think I have all the time in the world to do whatever..You know the young, they think they are going to live forever.
I guess living through the deaths of two close friends has a way of making you look at your own life. And sometimes, just sometimes we get it. I am in process of getting it. I am a work in progress. I don't know how much time I have left for this world, but I hope that I can keep getting it, and never stop learning. I hope one day to be that eccentric little old lady on the block, who comes out early in the morning with coffee in hand,waving to everyone on the block, wither I know them or not. Wearing a big purple hat to block the sun from my old eyes, and blue clogs, just cause I think they look good, and they are comfortable. I hope that someday, I'll spoil my grandkids with too much candy, pie and cookies and that they will love going to grandma's house. I hope that one day, when I reconnect with my life, that I will look back on this period and think to myself, those were wonderful times. I hope that when I am laid to rest, on my last day of life, I have no regrets, not for the things that I did, but for the things I didn't do.
I don't regret anything I've done. I am glad for the life I've had. Even for what some would perceive to be the bad stuff. Because of the bad things, I learned that I am strong, and that "this to shall pass". Because of the bad stuff, I learned that I can handle adversity, and come out a better person. Because of the bad stuff, I learned that the world is not so scary, and that if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, eventually you get somewhere. It may not be where you wanna be, but it will be where you need to be at that moment in time.
Yes, i feel myself trying to reconnect as I write this. I don't wanna cry, but for some reason I FEEL sad. Maybe it's because, I lost two dear friends. Maybe it's because I realize I lost myself. Maybe it's because I know somewhere inside of me, I am crying to come out and wear a big purple hat and blue clogs.
Time to come off autopilot..... ;~)
T aka L
No comments:
Post a Comment