at myself..
I was SUPPOSE to be starting my exercise program this weekend. April 1, 2012 as a matter of fact.. got all the ducks in a row, bought all the necessary food items, juiced some veggies and low and behold..I am such a dipshit sometimes..WTH happened.. Didn't go near the gym. I called.. sure did. To find out if they were opened yet.. answer..yes..but, I just don't know what happened..
The fact is I've made this journey before. I know how hard it is to get started, but I also know the benefits once you do.. I just can't figure out what it is that's going to get me into the gym.. I've already done the shame thing.. don't work.. I looked closely at my fat thighs.. didn't work, I've tried the shopping thing, that didn't work.. I am at a lost right now. I can't figure out how to get my big fat ass in the gym..
Well lets just say, I know what I need to do.. I just don't have the proper motivation to do it.
WHY? Why? That's that question..
Why am I going? Is it for health reasons? Is it to look good? It it vanity? I know it should be for health reasons.. I mean who doesn't want to be healthy right? And who doesn't want to look good? Vanity, who do I have to be vain for? I've lost something in me that's makes a woman wanna look good, or a man for that matter. I just don't feel like looking good for anyone, not even myself.
I have this idea in my head that every time I start to look good, I get hurt.. That's not a good association to have, because it really makes me NOT want to look good at all for anyone. I don't want to attract attention to myself. I always go through this when I am trying to get rid of someone.. I ugly-fie myself as much as I can, personality, body, hair, everything. Because I just don't want the attention.
Seems I have a hard time turning down attention, even if it is the wrong kind. That's what got me were I am right now. Trying to get rid of unwanted attention. But he won't go away. So now I am trying to get myself in a place were I can take care of myself, without caring what the other person thinks about me.. Because I really want them to go away. And the thing is I already know that they are going to go away.. They never wanted me in the first place. And they just used me for whatever I would let them get. I put my head in the sand.. I didn't take care of me.
I'm not mad at them because of it. But I am mad because they are still in my way. I am mad about that... Mad that they won't take care of themselves so that I can take care of me. Sometimes I hate when I figure shit out while I'm writing.. But I just did.. I just figured it out. And I think I have found my motivation. It's not about looking good, not for me, It is about making him pay.. It is about looking so damn good that he will want me but know that he'll never have me again. It is about filling his ass with desire that he will never be able to fill using me again. Asshole. I got your dumb ass now. Now to get started with my plan..I AM NOT A BITCH, I JUST PLAY ONE IN YOUR LIFE..happy to be an asshole now? LOL...SMDH
I was SUPPOSE to be starting my exercise program this weekend. April 1, 2012 as a matter of fact.. got all the ducks in a row, bought all the necessary food items, juiced some veggies and low and behold..I am such a dipshit sometimes..WTH happened.. Didn't go near the gym. I called.. sure did. To find out if they were opened yet.. answer..yes..but, I just don't know what happened..
The fact is I've made this journey before. I know how hard it is to get started, but I also know the benefits once you do.. I just can't figure out what it is that's going to get me into the gym.. I've already done the shame thing.. don't work.. I looked closely at my fat thighs.. didn't work, I've tried the shopping thing, that didn't work.. I am at a lost right now. I can't figure out how to get my big fat ass in the gym..
Well lets just say, I know what I need to do.. I just don't have the proper motivation to do it.
WHY? Why? That's that question..
Why am I going? Is it for health reasons? Is it to look good? It it vanity? I know it should be for health reasons.. I mean who doesn't want to be healthy right? And who doesn't want to look good? Vanity, who do I have to be vain for? I've lost something in me that's makes a woman wanna look good, or a man for that matter. I just don't feel like looking good for anyone, not even myself.
I have this idea in my head that every time I start to look good, I get hurt.. That's not a good association to have, because it really makes me NOT want to look good at all for anyone. I don't want to attract attention to myself. I always go through this when I am trying to get rid of someone.. I ugly-fie myself as much as I can, personality, body, hair, everything. Because I just don't want the attention.
Seems I have a hard time turning down attention, even if it is the wrong kind. That's what got me were I am right now. Trying to get rid of unwanted attention. But he won't go away. So now I am trying to get myself in a place were I can take care of myself, without caring what the other person thinks about me.. Because I really want them to go away. And the thing is I already know that they are going to go away.. They never wanted me in the first place. And they just used me for whatever I would let them get. I put my head in the sand.. I didn't take care of me.
I'm not mad at them because of it. But I am mad because they are still in my way. I am mad about that... Mad that they won't take care of themselves so that I can take care of me. Sometimes I hate when I figure shit out while I'm writing.. But I just did.. I just figured it out. And I think I have found my motivation. It's not about looking good, not for me, It is about making him pay.. It is about looking so damn good that he will want me but know that he'll never have me again. It is about filling his ass with desire that he will never be able to fill using me again. Asshole. I got your dumb ass now. Now to get started with my plan..I AM NOT A BITCH, I JUST PLAY ONE IN YOUR LIFE..happy to be an asshole now? LOL...SMDH
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